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September 3 2014

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free speech: hadley freeman gives barack obama a new kind of approval rating

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Less than a week to go and an intriguing prospect awaits us all. Yes, a real change may be on the horizon. Forget about an improved economy, never mind a foreign policy that actually works—a shift of more seismic proportions is approaching fast: a political leader who is genuinely hot. It’s a simple statement of objective fact: Barack Obama is hot. And I don’t mean “hot” in the “relatively speaking” way it is generally meant when referring to politicians, e.g., “Al Gore is hot”—mmm, maybe compared to Newt Gingrich. Or, my personal favorite, “Tony Blair is hot.” Listen up, magazine writers: Just because someone is under 60 and has a full(ish) head of hair, this does not make them desirable. I don’t care what anyone says—Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Gordon Brown, Hamid Karzai, and Nicolas Sarkozy are not hot and, yes, I will take that last one up with Carla Bruni-Sarkozy.

But Obama, on the other hand, is hot. Oh my God, did you see him dancing on Ellen the other week? That man can move like Timberlake! He is so hot that even if he wasn’t famous you’d find him attractive. Actually, if he wasn’t famous you’d fancy him a lot more. And that’s where the problem lies, really. You can fancy your boss, you can fancy your friend’s dad, but there is something weird about fancying the man you pay taxes to, isn’t there? I mean, it’s kind of like having a crush on your high school principal—just one step too far. It’s not that it detracts from his gravitas; instead, it detracts from yours. You’re there watching CNN and Obama’s talking ever so eloquently about Afghanistan this and Syria that and you’re trying to follow it because you know it’s, like, really important, but all you can think is, “Oh God, I so would—no wonder Michelle always looks so smug.” OK, enough of hiding behind the second person pronoun: I so would.

And it’s weird, because purely on a physical level he might not strike you instantly as hot material. There is something of the school nerd to Obama, particularly when he stands next to the second hottest man on the campaign, his delightfully named assistant Reggie Love. And that is because the man is just so damn cool, which is not an attribute one generally expects or even desires in a politician. But in the case of Obama, coming in the wake of an administration that has been crippled by ineptitude, clumsiness, and an apparent lack of any intelligence or awareness of the modern world, a bit of cool ain’t looking too bad. It’s like we’re all growing up in high school again: We’ve had the bad boy jock, we’ve learned our lesson, and now we suddenly see how cool the heretofore unnoticed head of the math club is.

I’m worried about the world’s subconscious. Everyone’s had sex dreams about a famous person, and most people, if they’re honest, have had a sex dream about a politician. Honestly, it’s not that we’re attracted to Gordon Brown, it’s just that we see him all the time on TV. Yes. Honestly. Um, anyway. The point is, imagine how many people are dreaming about Obama every night. Factor in his ubiquity, factor in his probable upcoming role as president, factor in his aforementioned hotness, and I would say it’s pretty much everyone in the whole damn world. Suddenly, on a nightly basis, the whole world is mentally possessed by Barack Obama. Well, I will say this: At least with him we get sweet dreams; with John McCain or Sarah Palin (not hot, incidentally, just female, and therefore different) we’d have full-on nightmares.

Photo: Emmanuel Dunand/AFP/Getty Images

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Comments

  1. benjaminseidler says:

    Agreed, but need to say that Edwards, Clinton and Palin are hot too and that you seem to be overly demanding in your definition of hotness. Or maybe I’m under-demanding… hmm…

  2. menukjau says:

    Oh yeah, he’s hot alright. Please America elect him as the next President. One with intelligence and charisma. Palin will definitely give me nightmares, well already does.

  3. quinnmelia says:

    Quite frankly, Obama gives me nightmares. While it is undoubtable that he is better looking than the others you have noted, whats even more apparent is the inablitiy of most to look past this and see the man behind the mask. Can anyone read between the lines anymore, or are American’s so ignorant that they still judge books by their covers?

  4. LFunaro says:

    I could not agree more. Very well said. I am glad I am not the only one who believes Sarah Palin is a NOT!

  5. Nigelific says:

    Well said, quinnmelia. While I did not vote for Barack Obama, I can agree that he is the better looking one out of the two. But obviously, attractiveness was not a factor in my vote!
    I just find it bizarre how people celebrate his victory as if he’s the second coming of Christ. He is definitely treated more as a celebrity than a president and I wonder if this will continue for the next four years or if the hype will burn out?
    Although I did not vote for him, I am interested to see the direction he takes our country in. He does seem to be inspired and hopeful to unite our country, which is fresh and needed. But, I don’t think Socialism, higher taxes and pulling out of Iraq will do just that.
    Sure, the Bush Administration has had their many downfalls, but I think people are missing one major point to be extremely grateful for and that is our Homeland Security. We have not once been attacked on our soil since September 11th and I think that’s largely due to the security Bush installed. Hopefully an Obama/Biden Administration will be able to carry on these good tactics!
    Anyways, this was just a hotness scale not a political argument. Sorry! But, Obama has my vote on that. BUT, have you seen McCain’s pictures as a young man??? ;)

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